She Hath Done What She Could

My posts actually take a lot of time to polish before I publish them. This one is different. What I have to share is a very raw feeling and I would be doing a disservice by dressing it up in flowery words and eloquence, we already have enough of that.

I’ve been running away, hiding, afraid that God would see me, giving excuses and merely getting by…quite the opposite from what God wants…to come, reveal yourself, don’t be afraid, don’t make excuses and to have abundant life.

I have been feeling frustrated for quite some time and found soothing words only more agitating. (Told you I was going to be honest). But why? What was my issue?

Maybe it started a year ago during an evening service at my home church. Someone had asked about how to hear God and to receive instruction, my Pastor replied with a story, “if you’re not sure which way to go and you have two good roads ahead of you, take one and just start going…faith is always coupled with action and God will guide you if you didn’t take the right one…but it is better to be going in one direction than to sit idle”. This response reminded me of Newton’s First Law of Motion somehow, an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced/outside force.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago where I read the Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13). It was a bittersweet moment when I realized I’m not doing anything with many talents God has given me. I had a feeling that my poems would actualize into songs and those songs into an album called My Abundance. I have many inklings that my life, if fully given to God, would be spectacular.

…Yet I’ve been responding like Moses (and Jeremiah and Jonah for that matter)….

“And Moses said unto the LORD, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say. And he said, O my Lord, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send (Exodus 4:11-13)” (by the hand of him whom thou wilt send is translated in many other versions as “send someone else!”).

I was believing that God wanted someone “fit for the job” (haahh He did choose to make me an engineer I should be catching the drift by now…), someone who didn’t have weaknesses like mine. As I was resolving to stop making excuses and telling God what I think I’m not capable of doing my eyes fell onto a verse that never caught my attention before…”she hath done all that she could”(Mark 14). Whoa, hold the phone..who is this she and what did she do? These are the words of Jesus and very powerful ones too. I have only started studying this chapter but know enough already to say that I want to have that feeling…that I am doing everything within my capability to love Him. I’ve watched people in sports commit large amounts of money, time and endure pain…with a smile on their face, for the sake of the game. I’ve been feeling frustrated because I know I haven’t been giving my best, my all. I’ve also been feeling guilty because I was afraid that I might not produce enough, even if I do try my best. Fear of failure is a real feeling, but it is also a real lie. The Parable of the Sower wasn’t really about how much money each got, rather that each showed initiative and acted. In the same way, I really believe God cares more about the process and maturing of our character more than the product itself. I’ve been saying for too long if/when/or/else/but…I want Jesus also to say about me “she hath done what she could”.

Seasons Change

Hey! 6 miles uphill for these pictures from the highest elevation in my town, folks! (You can click on them to see the pictures larger)

"Everyone wants the product, but no one wants the process. Everyone wants the power, but no one wants to invest the time..." 
                                                                                                                                          - Dr. Gerald Jeffers

            The leaves are all slowly make their descent and I am reminded that one season is ending and a new season is beginning. I am grateful that God showed me an important principle in nature, that I can’t hold on to certain things forever, times and seasons are always changing. Several times this was very frustrating to me, especially the time when I started realizing that I was supposed to go back to Germany.

Let me explain.

            The first two years of college were not easy for me. Between working, classes, studying, car maitenance, excercise, eating right, exams, winter, financial hurdles, new questions and having my faith challenged daily by people who mocked God, it was nothing short of a miracle in my fourth semester that I finally began to find a balance. I actually prayed for God to help me manage my time. Ironically, it started with devoting my first hour to Him, which I struggled with for a while, knowing that this literally left me with less time, but when I did...somehow I was much more productive, less tired and more motivated even though I had „less time“.

Anyways.

I finally found the sweet spot and was getting good grades, excercising regularly, eating well...I even was able to had a dog to the mix!

            The only way I can describe my feelings when it finally sunk in that there was about to be a radical season change is like that feeling when it is your turn to open a present from your grandma in front of her, and you unwrap it so slowly that you can think of a grateful comment no matter what it is so her feelings aren’t hurt. You know? Cautiously, peeling back the layers of reality, with eyes half-squinted I accepted that Germany again was the present inside.

            Even on the plane ride my stomach churned, I didn’t want to leave home I thought. After evaluation, even if I could have all of my family and belongings over here, I still wouldn’t have wanted to leave. Then I realized the source of my hesitation, I was comfortable.

            I learned it takes unbalance to reach an equilibrium. Nothing goes from one state of equilibrium to a higher state of equilibrium, without a time frame of disorder and unbalance. Two years it had taken me to reach an equilbrium. I am not kidding, I think it was two weeks I enjoyed the groove, then God showed His plan to me.

Unbalance – again!  Nooo!! I had really given my every measure of emotional, physical and spiritual strength to finally achieve a routine that balanced my duties.

            Now, after another two hard months of struggling, searching, new questions, new people, new problems, new city, new language, new everything I can look back and say that I am so glad,  I submitted to God’s plan and left my state of equilibirum for the sake of His calling. It seems this year has been tailor made for me. It is adding immense value to my education ( I will be done with by Bachelor’s Degree in German Studies next spring) but even moreso to my spiritual maturity.

Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.” 2 Timothy 4:2

            Long story short, my conclusion has been this...the best way to transtition from change to change, season to season, is to be perpetually giving praise to God! Why? It reminds us to give thanks in every circumstance...the Bible says that this is the will of God. And it truly helps. I saw a mother take a toy away from her child as they were getting of the tram. The child started crying, wailing. All he knows is he doesn’t have his toy. I laughed then realized I was doing the same thing. Crying that my achieved equilibrium was being altered again. I didn’t think I had the emotional strength to go through the ringer again...but the joy of the Lord is my strength and I am so glad to be here.

P.S. This post was originally going to be a gratitutde one, but it took a different turn. I will just add this note. The first two months were quite spectacular because of the people I meant. Thank you to the Univeristy (both home and here), to my family and to my good friend Kekse. She walked up to me during a hike, offered her hand to introduce herself and we haven’t stopped talking since. You have been such a joy to spend time with and I will never forget your hospitality and kindness towards me. Thank you to my girl from Italy, you will always be in my life and heart. I remember the days my face hurt from smiling so much. Thank you even to my Hausmeister....who always takes the time to come right away, even when I see him in passing to fix something in my Wohnung(apartment). I am so grateful.

Tempest && Trust

This postcard is from a museum I went to in Zürich last weekend. It really embodied what I was feeling that day...like I said, this month has been very hard!

Then as this song was playing in the background while doing homework...I realised it really was an answer to me....You are God over the storm...I have to encourage myself with these words.. 

Lyrics:

I see Your fingerprints

The work of Your hands

It's all in Your hands

I see the evidence

Leaving nothing to chance

The world's in Your hands 

So I rest in Your promises

Now I am sure of this

I'm Yours

Let the waters rise

I will stand as the oceans roar

Let the earth shake beneath me

Let the mountains fall

You are God over the storm

And I am Yours

I hear the voice of love

Calling me home

To where I belong

It cripples every fear

And the ones who will kneel

Will walk away healed 

So I rest in Your promises

Now I am sure of this

I'm Yours

No power is strong enough

To separate me from Your love

I'm Yours…

So let the waters rise

I will stand as the oceans roar

Let the earth shake beneath me

Let the mountains fall

You are God over the storm

And I am Yours

Even the thunder and the wind obey

At the command of my Father, Father

I set my feet upon Your mighty name

So let the rain fall harder, harder

So take my everything, my flesh and blood

I'll lay me down on the altar, altar

I am forever covered in Your love

So let the rain fall hard

So let the waters rise

I will stand as the oceans roar

Let the earth shake beneath me

Let the mountains fall

You are God over the storm

And I am Yours

Let the waters rise

I will stand as the oceans roar

Let the earth shake beneath me

Let the mountains fall

You are God over the storm

And I am Yours

You are God over the storm

And I am Yours

Forget Not

Despite the struggle and my shortcomings...I am still here! This verse always, always, always makes me smile...&& this is the view from my room :)

By this I know that thou favourest me, because mine enemy doth not triumph over me (Psalm 41:11).

Water&Fire

I started listening to this song two summers ago...little did I know with every time I listened it softened my iron tight grip on my will, my dreams and my "plan".
I lay down my plans, give up my rights, let you take control of this surrendered life...
Two years later, especially now, I can testify that God's plans are indeed good and better than anything we could conjure up for ourselves. They are good, but not easy. 
In shaking, you remain...

Lyrics..

Lord of the mountains and sea

You are treading a path set for me

God of the seasons and sky

You have always been holding my life

Lord

You are the Shepherd of my soul

I lay down my plans, I give up my rights

You comfort, You sustain

In shaking You remain

Unmoved and unafraid

Through the valleys, lead me in your wisdom

Shepherd of my soul

Forever and always you lead me

By still waters, lead me

And let You take control of this surrendered life

Through valleys of shadow and

death I am not afraid

By my Father’s breath every

star in the sky was made

And who can I fear when you’re

standing right here by my side

Always leading, protecting and

guarding my left and my right

Father You make all things new

Great God of creation And Father 

You will always be my

rock and salvation

Another song as a follow up to the last blog post (which may have sound melancholy to most...but it is a good thing I promise) is Strahan - Daily Bread. This song has always been very moving to me, especially lately, there is a beautiful river running through Freiburg. I always think of this song when I go there.

Here are the lyrics..

I’ll stand by the river bed

And watch the autumn leaves

Theres I wait there I’ll wait for you to speak

This stone walled fortress

of a heart is dry and blue

But I believe and and trust you’l hear when I sing

Take my soul Lord

Take my soul Lord

You are water you are fire

You are jealous you desire

You are everything this world could ever need

You are bread and you are blood

Open hands and open heart

You are everything this world could ever need

I step with a little faith

Like blood out of a stone

Each blind movement is teaching me to see

I know of nothing 

To come just what has been

So I believe everything you have taught me

Take my soul Lord

Take my soul Lord 

You are water you are fire

You are burdened you desire

You are everything this world could ever need

You are jealous you are son

Open hands enduring one

You are everything this world could ever need

Enjoy.