She Hath Done What She Could

My posts actually take a lot of time to polish before I publish them. This one is different. What I have to share is a very raw feeling and I would be doing a disservice by dressing it up in flowery words and eloquence, we already have enough of that.

I’ve been running away, hiding, afraid that God would see me, giving excuses and merely getting by…quite the opposite from what God wants…to come, reveal yourself, don’t be afraid, don’t make excuses and to have abundant life.

I have been feeling frustrated for quite some time and found soothing words only more agitating. (Told you I was going to be honest). But why? What was my issue?

Maybe it started a year ago during an evening service at my home church. Someone had asked about how to hear God and to receive instruction, my Pastor replied with a story, “if you’re not sure which way to go and you have two good roads ahead of you, take one and just start going…faith is always coupled with action and God will guide you if you didn’t take the right one…but it is better to be going in one direction than to sit idle”. This response reminded me of Newton’s First Law of Motion somehow, an object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion stays in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced/outside force.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago where I read the Parable of the Sower (Matthew 13). It was a bittersweet moment when I realized I’m not doing anything with many talents God has given me. I had a feeling that my poems would actualize into songs and those songs into an album called My Abundance. I have many inklings that my life, if fully given to God, would be spectacular.

…Yet I’ve been responding like Moses (and Jeremiah and Jonah for that matter)….

“And Moses said unto the LORD, O my Lord, I am not eloquent, neither heretofore, nor since thou hast spoken unto thy servant: but I am slow of speech, and of a slow tongue. And the LORD said unto him, Who hath made man's mouth? or who maketh the dumb, or deaf, or the seeing, or the blind? have not I the LORD? Now therefore go, and I will be with thy mouth, and teach thee what thou shalt say. And he said, O my Lord, send, I pray thee, by the hand of him whom thou wilt send (Exodus 4:11-13)” (by the hand of him whom thou wilt send is translated in many other versions as “send someone else!”).

I was believing that God wanted someone “fit for the job” (haahh He did choose to make me an engineer I should be catching the drift by now…), someone who didn’t have weaknesses like mine. As I was resolving to stop making excuses and telling God what I think I’m not capable of doing my eyes fell onto a verse that never caught my attention before…”she hath done all that she could”(Mark 14). Whoa, hold the phone..who is this she and what did she do? These are the words of Jesus and very powerful ones too. I have only started studying this chapter but know enough already to say that I want to have that feeling…that I am doing everything within my capability to love Him. I’ve watched people in sports commit large amounts of money, time and endure pain…with a smile on their face, for the sake of the game. I’ve been feeling frustrated because I know I haven’t been giving my best, my all. I’ve also been feeling guilty because I was afraid that I might not produce enough, even if I do try my best. Fear of failure is a real feeling, but it is also a real lie. The Parable of the Sower wasn’t really about how much money each got, rather that each showed initiative and acted. In the same way, I really believe God cares more about the process and maturing of our character more than the product itself. I’ve been saying for too long if/when/or/else/but…I want Jesus also to say about me “she hath done what she could”.